My private Hell

For those that know me know that I am huge on preserving memories. It's the main reason that I scrapbook. To have and to hold onto those memories for as long as I possibly can. Because no matter how hard we try, as a mother, you can't remember it all.....or can you?

Last night I had a dream. I was sad. I went to my mother's house for some reason in my dream. I am not sure why but when I walked through the door there was the most beautiful little boy sitting on the floor in clothes I recognized. He had brilliant blond hair, long beautiful eyelashes, the darkest brown eyes and the most kissable lips and cheeks ever. I realized in an instant it was Brenden at age 18 months. I ran over and scooped him up. I lavished this beautiful child with kisses galore. While I was so happy to be holding him again. A million feelings ran through my body as I smelled that smell in the crook of his neck, the smell that only he possesses. A smell I was sure I had forgotten by now. Guilt then consumed me as I held this beautiful little boy. I must have cried because when I awoke this morning my pillow was wet and I was overwhelmed with a sadness that only a mother can know.

I have been living a private hell for the past 2 days. I have yet to udder the words to anyone but Ray, until this morning...... Brenden is apartment searching. The instant the words left his mouth I wanted to cry. I put on my bravest mom face and told him I was happy for him, and I am. I told him that I would do anything I could to help him. Inside I was dying. Crumbling. Looking at the boy who I love so very much and wondering where the hell did it go.

I had very little time to wallow in my self pity. Faith fell to pieces. In an instant she was in my lap and sobbing. She cried for almost an hour. I told her all the things I should have. Things like "Guy is a grown-up now", "it's time for him to move on and have a life of his own", "he'll come home and visit....he'll need his laundry done and food to eat", "we can visit him at his new house" all the while trying to convince myself that all of this was true.

He got upset. He didn't want it to be a big scene. The boys started in on who could have his room when he left, she was crying and I was trying to hold it together. It was baaaaaad. I assured Brenden we were just in shock. That we didn't expect this yet. Soon, but not yet. That she would be fine. That it's hard for her to understand as she is only 6 and he is the apple of her eye. She doesn't understand the 14 yr age gap between them. He's her brother and her brother is supposed to live with her. I explained that she will get it that he just needed to give her time.

I am going through the motions. The younger kids and I will start hitting the yard sales. Looking for anything he may be able to use. It will make me feel helpful. I have started looking in the paper for more reasonable rents for him. I am doing all the things that I should be doing......except being happy.

I worry. I have questions in my head. Did I do my job? Is he going to be alright? Did I prepare him enough for the big, mean world? Does he know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him with all my heart? I just worry.

Brenden and I have had a rocky relationship. I worked so much when he was little and he resents that. I think more so that I was home with the younger ones and not with him. He gives me versions of some of his memories and it kills me. He is convinced he lived with my mother and sister. I try to tell him he ALWAYS lived with me but he doesn't believe me. That's what happens when you work 80 hours a week, go to college and are a single mom. He spent lots of time at grandma's. I keep telling myself I had no choice and the reality is ....I didn't. I wanted him to have the best of everything and working long, hard hours is what gave him that. Although, in hindsight, I should have been there more. I think my dream was that guilt rearing it's ugly head. But I have so many wonderful memories of the 9 years I had with just him. We went on great vacations together, skiing and a whole slew of things we couldn't afford now with a family of 7. Things that just Brenden and I share.

His teen years were hard. Lots of pent up anger and 2 people who are very argumentative and very much alike make for a messy relationship. I have regrets. So many regrets and they are all coming to a head, for me, right now. I just hope that we are beyond all that. That he knows I was so hard on him because I wanted the best for him. He is a good kid. A really good kid. He is liked by so many people, he's willing to help anyone he can, he's a hard worker, he's a great big brother and I am proud of the man he has become. We have built an amazing history together.

So as he lays asleep upstairs and I sit down here typing and crying, all the while fighting the urge to cuddle that boy, hold him and tell him I am sorry for the mistakes I have made; I know in my heart of hearts he will be OK because he is loved. The reality is he is going to grow. He is going to make mistakes and learn from them. He is going to find a girl and get married and have a child of his own someday and then and only then will he know the love that I have for him. My job is almost done and it sucks. It's bittersweet and it's just another chapter in the book of Brenden and mom. A chapter that I have to believe will bring more closeness, laughter and joy. How could it not? He's my boy, I love him and this is the brass ring that we all strive for in rearing our children. Right?