Depression.....

It's an ugly word. It's a horrible thing and it's something I have battled for a long time. I have been medicated for depression since I was 21. Not many people know this. I don't even know if my mom knew it until the other day. It's not something I discuss openly.

Why then am I posting it publicly for the world to see? Because I need to. I need to say it outloud and not be afraid of it anymore. I need to say it and fight it with all I have right now. I need it to be a non-issue in my life at this time. I need to confront it so I can get better. I am confronting it now. Head on. No holding back.

I went off my meds when all that junk was going on with my stomach. I never weaned I just abruptly stopped. Not good. I think I slowly started slipping then and never realized it. Then I went back on my meds and I went on another med prescribed by my soon to be ex-surgeon. He never checked my med list and the new medication is known to cause severe depression. No one realized it. I started getting worse. I wasn't even aware of it.

I started noticing something was wrong about 3 weeks ago. I went into physical therapy and the intake person was really nice but I noticed almost immediately that I was totally irritated with him and I was really mad at the poor guy. He didn't do anything. He was trying to help me and I was mad and wanted to cry just sitting there. I kind of blew it off and thought I was tired.

Then it was everything. Everything bothered me. I had no patience. I teared up at the smallest things and I realized that I "hated" my poor husband. He couldn't do anything right in my mind. It happened every time I got pregnant too. He always knew because I was incorigable. It was awful. It passed but I got this huge surge of hormones and I disliked him for a few weeks. Being the great guy he is he understood.

This time it was the worst it has ever been. I was starting to freak out over the smallest things. Then one day it hit me. I am depressed. I realized it when I realized the only thing that made me feel any better were the kids. Their hugs, their kisses, their smiles. It was like this years ago too. I always knew when I was slipping because I only wanted to be with Brenden, he was the only thing that made me happy.

I realized that I was avoiding my whole family. I hadn't talked to my sister much and if I did it was brief. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone...yet when I was alone all I did was cry.

Ray went on vacation (today is his last day) and I was being my miserable self when he grabbed me to hug me one day last week and asked me what was wrong. I bursted in to tears and told him. I apologized profusly for letting it get so bad, he held me while I cried. It opened the flood gates. I cried for the entire day. We took the kids to the pool and I stayed down the other end and cried while they all had fun. I called my Dr. from the pool. They got me in the next day.

He agreed that the meds were a very bad mix. He upped my depression meds and said it could be up to 4 weeks before I feel better. I have to tell you 4 weeks is an eternity to feel this way. I need rest, calm and someone to listen. Something you just don't get in this household.

I found Ray some good articles on how he can help me (readers digest has some great articles). I think he thought he could be goofy and I would just snap out of it. Not true. I can't just snap out of it. I wish I could. Until the chemicals in my brain even out I am a mixed bag of emotions. I am trying. It's hard.

He went golfing the other day and it was a really bad day for me. I spent the whole day trying to hold it together with 5 kids that wanted something from me and I just didn't have it in me. I had to take Brenden to the Dr.'s. I left the other 4 at home (Taylor being the 4th). Brenden made me sit in the car and I was shaking, I had been all day. I was a mess. I called my mom and told her everything. She talked to me for about 40 minutes and I felt so much better afterwards....thanks mom!

While I am not 100% I do feel a little better today. We had a good weekend. We took the kids to Water Country yesterday and had a great time. Today we stayed home and I made a few cards. Creating helps me....but I am at the point where I don't feel creative and I have to push myself. I made some cards. It was fun. I even entered them into a contest. They are on my other blog if your interested.

So that's it in a nutshell. I have been absent because I have been depressed. I am hoping that I can salvage the last week with the kids. That I cannot be so cranky for the rest of the time I have them all to myself before they go back to school. I get sad just thinking about them going back. I love having them home! {sigh}

So the get well climb begins. I know I will have good days and I know I will have bad days....but I have to keep in mind it's for a short time. The meds will work and even me out and I can go back to being me. The me I like. Not the disconnected me I am now.

If you have not heard from me as of late....I apologize. I will be back soon! I promise!