I know already!!!

Brenden leaves in 8 days. I can't verbally say that sentence without bursting into tears. Hell, I can't type it without bursting into tears. I knew this time was coming. It was just a matter of time before it happened. He is my first. He has been my first for everything as a mother. He is my first to leave home and move ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I know it's time. He is 22. I know this!!! Don't tell me this!!! I can cry. I can be upset. I can be pissed off. It's hard!!!!!!!!!

I have never done this before. I have never not had him in my everyday life. I am worried. That's my job....to worry about my children. If one more person tells me "it's time" I am going to punch them in the teeth. I KNOW IT'S TIME!!!!

I am going through the emotions. It's part of my "mourning" process. I am happy for him and sad for me and that is OK!!!

I was fine. Perfectly fine. Then Danielle and Pat showed up last night. I saw that beautiful smile of hers and burst into tears. I am not losing just one....I am losing THREE!!! Danielle and I have grown very close. She is like another daughter to me. I love her to pieces. She is going too. This isn't easy on me. Ten days after Brenden and Danielle leave Miranda is moving to Washington DC. Since my Aunt Sharon passed Miranda and I have also grown very close....she's my newly "adopted" daughter. These 3 "kids" mean so much to my life and ""losing them all at once is hard. Give me a break!!!

I have been replaying Brenden's entire life over in my head all day. I have been crying since last night and haven't stopped much. I have never been away from him for longer than 10 days in a row....and that was for my honeymoon. I have seen that beautiful smile every, single day for 22 years. To think that it won't be part of my every day life is hard. If he were moving to the other side of town I would be fine. He's not. He is moving 2,664.36 miles away from me. I don't know when I will see him again. I can't even guarantee I will be able to see him at Christmas. Brenden has never not been with me for Christmas. He always saw his dad later that day. It won't be Christmas without him here and I can't guarantee I will have enough money to fly him home or that he won't have to work.He will be living in a condo...not a dorm. He will be a resident of Arizona. I don't know when I will see my son again and my heart hurts.

So do me a favor.....offer me support. Don't tell me it's time. I am going to cry and I am going to be sad...and it's ok. I'm a mom and it's my job. My boy is moving across the country and I am worried, sad, scared, happy (for him),proud (of him) and a whole other slew of emotions. Just don't tell me "it's time" because I know better than anyone that it's his time to fly.....it doesn't mean I have to like it.