So I blew it this morning big time. I jumped all over Trevor at 7:15 this morning about his project. I was still trying to put the finishing touches on it and realized he didn't do some of what was asked of him yesterday. I was hard on him. He left feeling terrible and I was angry and feeling guilty. To add to the guilt Ray came back from dropping them off and got on me about how upset Trevor was. More guilt. I felt horrible the whole ride into Boston for my back this morning. I tried to focus on my scrapbook magazine, rather than the guilt that was eating a big hole right through my stomach.
While I was in the procedure room waiting for someone to come in I thought long and hard why I am so hard on my kids. I am hard on them because I want them to do well in school. I want them to take it so much more seriously than I ever did. I want them to be educated and I want them to succeed. I want them to have careers that don't take them from their families 14-16 hours a day. I want so much for them. But doesn't every parent? Don't we expect them to lead a better life than we did? Don't we always want so much more for them? As a parent isn't this what we strive for? In my book, the answer is simple, YES! But I have to remember that they are only 6, 9 and 11. I have to remember that the pressure I put on Brenden is not the same pressure the younger ones should be getting. I am re-evaluating my tactics here.
Brenden is the root of my anger lately. I worry about him so much. Sleeping all day, having no goals (or so it seems...he does have a "plan"), working only when things are getting shut off ( like his cell phone) or taken away ( I almost took his car until his dad paid his insurance at the 11th hour). Staying out partying all night and a list of little things that he doesn't do around the house. Until I realized about a week ago that was me. That was me at 18 and 19. God Bless each and every one of you who read this that put up with me then. I apologize for being such an ass!
He needs to grow up a bit. We had a huge blow out. He wants to go back to school full-time (which he started today :) ) but he doesn't want to work. He said it's too hard to do both. I pretty much LAUGHED at him and explained at his age I was on my way to becoming a mother, in a few short months I would have a baby and I was already looking at college. I explained to him how I raised him (with lots of help from family....THANK YOU), I worked and I went to school!!! If I can do all that with a BABY he can do it on his own. I know I am right in this fight and over my dead body will he win this one. He wants to concentrate on his studies and his volunteering....which is great but it doesn't pay bills!!! So, I have invested far too much anger into this and I have made a very clear choice, he works and he goes to school or he learns to survive in the big bad world under someone else's roof because at almost 21 the free ride is over. One of them is not an option he has to do both. I tried to explain this to him. He thinks I am throwing him out....which kills me...but I won't let him see that (that's some kind of Amnott trait isn't it? )...I just explained that I love him and I love him so much that I will do whatever it takes to make sure he can survive in this world on his own without the comforts of OUR home. He doesn't get it. Someone please tell me he will soon because I am at my wits end.!
So he started his first day at school today. I am happy for him. For the 3rd time he has a new major....Economics. Hopefully, this one will stick because he starts his JR. year at Salem State in September and he NEEDS to pick a Major. I told him I won't pay for a Liberal Arts degree. Liberal Arts won't pay the bills.
I have re-evalutated this situation with Brenden many times. I have pretty much solidified my decision. I just need the strength to follow through if it comes down to it. Pray for me....and him!
So my final worry of the week and where I really have to re-evalute it all...... I sent Brycen into the kitchen to write a paper that he had due for today. A paper that I knew would be hard but thought he could at least start on his own while I helped Trevor with that horrible project. I asked him to write a suggested list of topics we could write about. Anyhow, the poor kid was out there for an hour (Ray I am sorry you are reading this if you see it before I get to tell you), I was frustrated and tired and very, very sore. I looked at what he had written. It seriously was Goobly-de-gook. I couldn't read a word of it....example: the word "suggetstions" looked something close to this "stegetin". Then I asked him what his list was. The only recognizable word was "gold" and it was spelled "glod" but being his mother I knew what it was.
So after lots of frustration, I called his Special Ed. teacher. She is wonderful, I love her, she is so good for him and I have her home and cell numbers. She told me to leave it. That she wanted me to scribe (write for him word for word what he says....it's in his IEP that I am allowed to do this) the list he wanted write about and they were going to try a new tactic with him at school today.
I told her that I wasn't sure if he was just "playing" me or if he is really incapable of doing this type of work. She told me he is incapable. :( :( :( My heart broke. As his mother, I want him to succeed. I wanted to believe that he was playing a game with me. He knows this stuff. He can tell me almost verbatum what the article said. He just loses all the information between his head and his fingers. I was heartbroken. I guess have been in denial about this for some time. He is brilliant. He retains information so well and he gives it all back to you orally like he wrote it himself. It's really AMAZING. But he can't write. I have been telling myself he's "playing" me and in reality he's not. It was a hard realization. No mother wants to believe her child is incapable. It's such an ugly word.
I have to re-evalute all that I have told myself. I have to realize he needs more help...sometimes more than I can give. That as school gets harder he will have a harder time. I listen to them tell me about the progress he has made and I am thrilled. It makes me think he is more capable. His gains are in reading and math though. I have to remember what the Dr.'s told me long ago. He will always be challenged. He will never write the way a child of his age should. That he will struggle with this for the rest of his life. I have to re-evalute, in my head, the fact that he is not using it as a crutch. It's really the way things are. I have learn to deal with it and not get so frustrated. I think a part of me just wanted to believe that he could do it and if I believed that then he could. In reality, he can't.
So while this sounds like a depressing post....IT'S NOT! It's good to take stock of your life and re-evaluate yourself every once in a while. I think it's going to make me a better, stronger mother and really that's always been my goal.
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